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Now you shoot and I'll run
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Jan 18 2006
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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Panic! At the disco |
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So im sitting here at my computer again and im wondering who i am. What type of person have i let myself be the last couple of days, the last couple of weeks, the last couple of months, even the last couple of years. And through all this thinking i've come to a conclusion.. That it really doesn't matter. I dont care about who i am or who i've been because i'm getting better. Im feeling better; i've kicked the drugs and im good. I've built friendships and i've let others crumble and im happier. Im happier because other people dont effect me anymore. I remember this Christmas break; i remember being mad at people for being mad at me for no reason and i remember letting it kill me. I remember letting it get to me, i remember letting it eat me alive. But then suddenly i realized if they're really going to pull that shit then im better than that. Im better than highschool drama, im better than crying over spilt milk and frienships that are more hollow then a rotting tree. I'd become tethered to bad feelings and angry mixed emotions; now im just over it.
I've realized a couple things through all this discovery: one its better to have a couple friends who will stand by you through your hard times, then to have a group who will ditch you the mitute you become a little unappealing. Two no matter what happens KT is always going to be KT, no matter who comes in or out of her life. And three i dont need to be drinking and smoking to be happy, happiness comes from within (cliche i know but definetly true.)
There are a couple of things and people i will miss. I miss the laughing and the sharing, but i wont miss the talking behind backs and the cut throat back stabbing. I definetly wont miss the stress, and the feelings of inadequacy. I wont miss the lying to my parents and i wont miss the calling and the calling only to reach an answering machine because you dont feel like picking up; i wont miss the anger that i didnt know about.
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Jan 8 2006
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mood |
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 Im in a tasty mood |
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music |
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Straylight Run |
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The world finally makes sense again.
Tomorrow's the last day of break; i've given you two whole weeks to be mad at me for reasons that arent really concrete. Now im tired so hows about we just cut this shit out, we have too much in common not to be friends anymore. You're my girl and i'd do anything for you, so why dont we just reconcile?
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Jan 8 2006
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Straylight Run |
] |
I was lost, but now im found.
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Jan 1 2006
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Dont call my phone, its not working again. Call the house.
Sober, sober, sober. I rang in the new year with my best friend sober. Sober, sober, sober.
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Dec 24 2005
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xmas party at bitterswtdenial's house!! |
____goldpurse
 ____goldpurse drank 15 sambuccas, 11 mescals, 8 absinthes, 6 cognacs and 3 pulques.
____goldpurse was arrested for screaming "Hot Sushi Yon Kebab!" at a war veteran
who happened to be hobbling past the house at the time.
To say that ____goldpurse loves alcohol is like saying the Pet Shop Boys love cock. Oh-la-la!
bitterswtdenial
bitterswtdenial drank 4 vodkas.
Out of nowhere, bitterswtdenial stood up, gave a nazi salute and shouted "My nipples are as arid as the Sahara, baybee!"
iamspiffycarlie
iamspiffycarlie drank 12 brandys, 8 pulques, 10 mescals and 8 cosmopolitans.
iamspiffycarlie called blackisslimming a "Heathen Bastard!!" before attempting to baptise them over the toilet bowl with bleach.
still__spinning
still__spinning drank 14 irish creams, 6 stouts and 10 poteens.
irishpnkdrumr
irishpnkdrumr drank 4 poteens, 11 ciders and 11 ales.
firewolfe
firewolfe drank 4 stouts, 11 irish creams, 5 cognacs and 6 vermouths.
blackisslimming
blackisslimming drank 5 coffee liqueurs, 6 lagers, 3 pulques and 12 aftershocks.
xoxojaclynmarie
xoxojaclynmarie drank 3 rums, 3 cognacs, 6 bloody marys, 4 gins, 3 coffee liqueurs and 4 pulques.
atomickicks
atomickicks drank 6 pernods, a gin, 13 sherrys and a brandy.
adam_brodyishot
adam_brodyishot drank 13 vodkas.
omg_letsdisco
omg_letsdisco drank a white russian.
You should not allow the following LJ user's in your home without a sickbag in their immediate area - iamspiffycarlie, still__spinning, irishpnkdrumr, firewolfe, blackisslimming, xoxojaclynmarie
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Xmas Party? |
Drunken fights, hammer attacks, glorious turkeys, ridiculous amounts of alcohol, sex, drugs and rock n roll Enter your name below to experience the ultimate in complete useless bollocks! |
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Nov 9 2005
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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Postal Service |
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Its funny how weird things have gotten.. I feel as though I've changed so much. Little things have happened.. Like I actually leave my house now, I have people who care about me.. Its like this cosmic overload of something real.
I've completely and totally decided that I cant live without painting.. When Im not painting I'm think about it..I need it.. ITs like flowing through my blood and its the only way i can express myself without words. I used to write all the time but now im bogged down by my brain. Now everytime I cant breath or I feel as though my mouth is sewn shut and blood is leaking from my eyes all I have to do is paint. Its my only real release. I thank God for giving me this gift..
I've started going to church more and I feel this sort of weird connection with the Lord now.. I know Im a bad kid and I do illegal and bad things.. But i feel as though I have a shelter in Him. I feel as though no matter how far I get into the mucky muck all I have to do is let him save me.. I know alot of you dont understand His power.. But he's everywhere.. He's the only person that when the chips are down you know you can always look to him. Some days I feel as though Im drowning.. As though I cant get out of bed and I know that lead must be tight to my feet because they're so so heavy.. I feel as though Im breathing in carbon monoxide.. But all I have to do is believe in Him.. His power is the only things.. Its the only thing.
So yeah this saturday we're gonna invite some people over to my house and watch some movies.. SCARY MOVIES. Only the coolest kids are coming.. haha what cool kids do i know? Just kidding guys.. So if you want an invite tell me and im down.. Most of you are already invited though...
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Nov 8 2005
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mood |
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 afraid and no good |
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music |
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Postal Service |
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I need something but i just dont know what..
I need someone but i just dont know who..
I taste something but its on the tip of my tongue
My hearts beating so fast
But its been a while since I've run
And I'm drowning
But Im so far from a pool
And I need you
But I dont need you.
I had my GHP auditions today.. I feel like no one cares. Blah im being dramatic. Ehh.
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Oct 30 2005
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01. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
02. Run a google image search on that word.
03. Reply to this entry & post that picture.
04. Put this in your journal, so I can do the same
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Oct 24 2005
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Thursday is writing your life story!you're more
concerned with the bigger issues of life rather
than high school drama. this is all well and
good, but don't get so caught up in your
figurative language that it seems like you're
speaking Nepalese. like that's a language.
Which Band Is Writing Your Life's Story?
brought to you by Quizilla
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Oct 22 2005
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mood |
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 missing you and hating it |
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Jackie's going to cut my hair. yay.
I had crazy fun with my girls today.
I miss you I really do, but i hate when you say you miss me and only email me like once it two days.
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Oct 19 2005
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mood |
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 miss you |
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I miss my girls. My house is lonely and empty without them. Ashley, Jackie, Lauren, and Carlie i miss you! Come hang out with tomorrow or or this weekend and brighten my day.
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Oct 10 2005
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</td>
</table>
hahah!!
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Oct 6 2005
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mood |
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ecstatic |
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music |
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overcome-Rx bandits |
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Okay so I dont know why my old frind Kelly wont talk to me.. Thats kind of lame... I hate when people dont talk to you and then dont even tell you why they're not talking to you. that equals LAME.
So yay im hanging with alot of cool kids tomorrow!!! me + alchohol= a great time.
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Oct 2 2005
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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Existing in Crisis- Bayside |
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I have to start running again for track.. Is it wrong that I hate myself for wanting to be good. I hate this feeling of need for something.. A need for friends.. I love the people I hang out with now they treat me so well.. Sometimes we piss each other off.. But other times they truely feel like my sisters...
Jackie you need to hang with us..
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Aug 23 2005
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mood |
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 angsty |
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So yeah its been forever and a day since I updated.. Ehh lol I guess I just dont really have that much to say. But guess what?! I got a job at the Yummy Tummy cafe.. So come and hang out there when we open because its going to be amazing.. And I do mean A-mazing! SO I was pretty mad when I missed the first drama club meeting, the Antigone auditons, AND then found out that we meet on Tuesdays.. Which is the same time I have NAHS.. But right now art is really important so drama is going to have to ride around in the back like the negroes for a while.. *sigh*
Okay so today I realized I probably come off as pretty creepy. Because most of the people I know I met through other people so I'll be talking to people I dont even know just because they're friends with my other friends. Also, sometimes I find myself just stopping and starring at people even though Im usually looking for someone but that person just happens to be in my eye vision area and it looks like im starring at them. Jeez, I promise for those of you who dont know me im not as creepy once you get to know me.
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Jun 21 2005
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Jun 17 2005
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I'm starved for meaningful conversation.
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| Life is nothing.. |
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Jun 11 2005
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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the sound of my typing.. |
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So I fought with Jeff today and got my feelings hurt. I think life is just a taste of chaos, a pinch of pain, and a handful of psychosis... I just dont think that I'll ever be able to accept things..
So today I realized that I cant be friends with people that are just obsessed with boys and their bodies.. For one it makes me feel bad about myself because I dont have crazy men after me, and I dont have a perfect body.. And also its annoying. I just dont think life should be about those things.. Life should be about love not lust. Life should about laughing not crying.. Life should be about living not pretending to live.. I just wish my life was about those things I just mentioned.
I quit drawing: a. because I suck, b.I like photography more, c. I suck.
I feel like life is wasted on the living.. Love someone.. It doesnt make life nicer.. Just bareble when things go well...
I wish I could quit my job.. Which is pathetic considering all the jobs I've quit.. IIts not that things are bad I just dont really like talking to people.. I mean I can act all happy and stuff.. But i guess it just doesnt come that easy to me.. And I feel like people realize sometimes.. I just dont know. I wish I were more charismatic like other people are..
So what if you gave up something for something special then that something special gave you up for something? My feelings hurt after that.. I guess I just got lonely.. Its not like they weren't coming back it just made me sad that I was so easily left behind. I just dont want to be left at all..
My mood is that of gray.. I just wish I could taste something sweet for more then a second before I get attacked by the bitterness..
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Jun 10 2005
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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matchbook- my eyes burn |
] |
01. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
02. Run a google image search on that word.
03. Reply to this entry & post that picture.
04. Put this in your journal, so I can do the same
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bitterswtdenial's journal